Savior I come Quiet my soul, remember Redemption's hill Where Your blood was spilled For my ransom Everything I once held dear I count it all as lost
Lead me to the cross Where Your love poured out Bring me to my knees Lord I lay me down Rid me of myself I belong to You Lead me, lead me to the cross
You were as I, Tempted and tried, Human. The word became flesh Bore my sin and death Now you're risen
To your heart To your heart Lead me to your heart Lead me to your heart
"My response is to get down on my knees before the Father, this magnificent Father who parcels out all Heaven and Earth. I ask Him to strengthen You by His Spirit - not a brute strength but a glorious inner strength - that Christ will live in You as You open the foor and invite Him in. And I ask Him that with both feet planted firmly on love, You'dd be able to take in with all followers of Jesus the extravegant dimensions of Christ's Love. Reach out and experience the breadth! Test it's length! Plumb the depths! Rise to the heights! Live full lives, full in the fullness of God." - Ephesians 3:14-19
I’ve got to move on, and be who I am I just don’t belong here I hope you understand We might find our place in this world someday But at least for now I gotta go my own way
Listen. I'm going to work harder than the word determination can define. I'm not going to let anyone down. I will go to Cambridge.
O Lord GOD, thou hast begun to shew thy servant thy greatness, and thy mighty hand: for what God is there in heaven or in earth, that can do according to thy works, and according to thy might? -Deuteronomy 3.24 I ask for forgiveness and strength to bear through my weary days.
I won't go back to where I had answered Your Faith before. But it doesn't mean that I have abandoned my Faith.
I thought about it. Over and over again. Until it became so silly, until i almost lost my breath choking in laughter, until some semblance of realisation came to me. Delusions aren't always illusions. They're just that. Delusions. False truth that stabs you like a cactus thorn but saves the pain for later; just in case you make the same mistake again. I saw a flint of immortality on decidedly smooth timber across the hallway from where I stood; names running down a roll like they deserved a standing ovation. I thought again and came to the conclusion, if one day, one day, the metal head of the carving knife takes small steps to erect an era, if I would be happy, the answer was swift and overwhelming; undoubtedly.
And I wonder what I've lost in my pursuit of lifeskills. And I wonder if sometimes I'm so tired and weary that I'm willing to let go, but the small voice in my mind repeats a mantra: You can't, you can't, you can't. And I wonder if one day courage will be my saviour, if one day I'd become wise enough to predict the future, if one day it'd be painless enough to leave. And the mantra continues, only it's on a different track now: Who knows, who knows, who knows. And if I told you, you know we never really did get to talk, will you, will you remember? And if I told you, the old you, that I wasn't really thinking when I told you I love you, will you forgive me?
There's so many things to learn. And God allocated us so little time. I want to start embracing them all.
"These violent delights have violent ends And in their triumph die, like fire and powder, Which as they kiss consume." - William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, 2.3
I am seriously seriously in love with Rob Pattz. OMGSERIOUSLYZ how can someone be so funny and perfect and absolutely hilarious and hot and dreamy and so devastatingly human that it's almost impossible to believe that he's real. Just goes to show that I've never actually met someone like that in real life :P OMG ROB PATTZ. Sorry Daph, you were right. He's hot! He smiles down at me from my room wall. Obsessed much? Whatever :D
FRIDAY IS DOOM'S DAY. THERE'S GOING TO BE TWO TESTS ON THAT DAY; ECONS AND GEOG AHOY. I know I know I know I know I'm procrastinating. Gah. I need to buy an organizer and swindle my dad into buying me a Polaroid. =.=
OMG ROB PATTZ. I better not write an essay on how great Robert Pattinson is, or I'd kill myself, seriously. Geez.
edit: My sister is going to the Republic of Ireland like in 2 weeks time for another Model United Nations conference. Gah! fsdjhe87d8g^#*y Lucky little twit.
Arashi's newest PV - Step And Go step and go. to a brand new story.
towards the ever-flickering dream.
I'm in love with MatsuJun's red jacket. It has underlined tweed patterns. <3s. As usual, no one can beat Sho's rap! And that blue jacket is just the right colour for Sho!!! Overall, I love this PV loads :DDDDDD Loads of colours and slow-mo is really cool, me thinks. Nino's shawl is weird through. Hah!
I think I'm in love with Robert Pattinson. == Wait, maybe it's just the Edward fever! ==
Night lift up the shades Let in the brilliant light of morning But steady there now For I am weak and starving for mercy Sleep has left me alone To carry the weight of unravelling Where we went wrong It's all I can do to hang on To keep me from falling Into old familiar shoes
- Sarah Mclachlan
We had a War Council talk yesterday; my parents and I. Same old same old. About how I shouldn't dream too far and too high, in case I hurt myself beyond repair. What's so wrong about Singapore? They ask. Everything and more. Even if I didn't hate everyth about here and now, I don't appreciate being caught in a cage of eternity, to mooch about my boundaries only to ram myself against the walls every year or so. I don't plan to endure another four years here. It's not as if I plan to elope or something. Even if the War Council isn't willing to pay for my education overseas, I'd find a way. I always do.
Right. So I do feel kinda jaded and morose. That my own parents don't have the kind of confidence in myself that I have in me. Everything about them is pessimistic and damnright stupid. Oh, so I can't have dreams because you know they'd never come true anyway. Since when did you have psychic abilities? Damn right you know! I'm tired of the lot of you, forever shouting in my face that I'd never get anywhere but here. Damn right, you're wrong. So I never did good enough to qualify me for RGS, fine. So I never did good enough to qualify me for triple science, fine. So I never did good enough to get 6 points, never did good enough to get into ACJC, never did good enough for you, even to the very moment when I was born, even to the very Whatever. If I'm not good enough, not smart enough, not tall enough, not sweet-tempered enough to be your daughter, than I rather be anything else but.
Well, aren't you glad you don't have a brother in the Ivy League? You don't have it worse, you don't have it worse than your cousin you know? You're just someone simple, someone bound for the simple life, someone fated to be deadright simple. Someone who doesn't NEED DREAMS; SOMEONE WHO CAN LIVE LIKE THIS, THIS IS ENOUGH FOR YOU, YOU DON'T NEED ANYTHING ELSE.
Screw you, I say.
I don't need people without faith in themselves to have enough faith in me to teach me anything. I don't need you.
Everything in my Life; I made it on my own. I was the one who battered and torn made it good enough to stand on my feet; made it good enough to fight tears to keep going on; made it good enough to go whereever I fucking want.
So. I got Eclipse, the latest book in the Twilight saga, off Vic's hands this afternoon. And I'm not even halfway thru yet. And I'm dying to turn the pages again. But there's something in me that says I shouldn't, because then, I'd have to wait another antagonishing six months for the next book to come out, Breaking Dawn. I'm also afraid of what I'd find when I get further in the story. Is Bella gonna become a vampire? How is she and Jacob going to even react properly around each other when they become mortal enemies? That's what I'm really afraid to see. Well, everything going fine now, Edward and Bella are really chummy, Jacob's her best friend again and even Angela gets a cameo. But everything just toooo alright. Something's going to happen. I can feel it. -shudders-
I got to meet my second cousins today. I swear I've never seen them in anything but photos. Well, considering that we see grand aunt like once a year, it's not much of a surprise really. Oh and by the way, I've got so many grand aunts I can't remember how to address all of them. I love the grand old lady really. And I kinda miss my maternal grandmother. She passed on into God's Loving Hands when I was 16. I just wish on all those days that she had bunked over at my place that I'd bothered a little bit more to talk to her when she jabbered on to me, wished I had been a bit more understanding when she wanted to take walks, wished I hadn't felt so irritated when she turned senile, wished I could understand why I was the only one wailing at her deathbed. I didn't even know her. But I still miss her. And I know Mum does too.
Sometimes... It's just too little too late.
I didn't do much wagering this year. Argh, boring. Maybe it's because I haven't gotten round to everyone's houses yet. The adults don't really play gambles nowdays. Last yr at JH's, we played blackjack. I kept getting double aces or ace/picture cards all the time, like probably ten times each round. I'm exaggerating but you get the point. It was like I just knew I was going to win; the confidence was so overpowering. I'd bet Louisa so wanted to wipe the smug look I had on my face. But I kept winning, and I didn't know why. -shrug- The coins kept rolling to me like I owned them. It was a good feeling but I knew that it was probably a total fluke or like, my luck-o-meter was overflowing that day. Maybe this year it's time to pay overtime to someone else in our clique. :D But that was totally cool. To be on the roll.
I just wish my luck-o-meter is like overflowing ALL the time.
Right now, I'm wistfully wishing Life wasn't so boring. Give me some semblance of danger, excitement, something that would remind me of my mortality. Wait, do you want to lose your life, Cherie? Maybe I should go get a bike when I turn 18; just to see the horror on my mother's face. KIDDING. My thoughts are becoming more morbid as days pass. Geez. Seriously.
Hello boy it's been a while Guess you'll be glad to know That I've learned how to laugh and smile
CNYYYYYYYYYYYYY. Today was so unproductive. Morning; got dragged up at 9am (I slept at 2am last night -.-) to go to Grandma's place. Turns out we're like the EARLIEST, the only other relatives there was Mitch's family who lives like 3 floors down from Grandma's. I didn't even get to see Da Gu and others. LOLZ. And then, we went home to sleep. Sleep! Cause my mum works the night shift at NUH so she needs her afternoon naps, kay. I re-read New Moon, tried to surf the net a little, gave up and went to bed.
I woke up at 5pm. Went to Jia's place for my maternal side's reunion. Usually we're at fourth aunt-in-law's place but she met with an accident, so we kinda shifted location. Mel was totally like, "Lau! Why you all so late!!!" I just smiled sheepishly. Cause we were sleeping? -.- I haven't seen Vanessa in ages!!!! But I got to see her today. which was great :D Qi Xiang got so tall! OMG, little boys do grow up fast. And I still feel like a dwarf next to XJ, even through we're like the sameeeee age. The boys were stuck to the computer, watching XJ pwn at Dota, even Russell korkor. Erh, that sounds weird. Usually, I just call him Russell but Russell is so much older than me! It feels weird not to address with some form of seniority (we're cousins btw). Ross played a trick on Junnie; he took his food away. And my little brother cried!! LOLZ. But he was really eating wayyy too much.
Anyways, that's the super summarised version of today's events. And I didn't see some relatives because they're like overseas. Like Bee jie and 3rd aunt? Etc etc. I got bored sometimes, and randomly messaged people. Hahahah, thanks for entertaining me ya :D
Everyone on earth who hasn't read Stephanie Meyer's Twilight must get a copy of the book and READ IT. Cause it's pure addiction :D
Sometimes, I feel frustration. And then, I remind myself that I chose this path. I wish I have the foresight to look further. And ignore the impending fire. I'd always have the courage to plunge headfirst into the flames. I just know it. There are times I have wondered what I'm in school for. And then, shock overwhelms me. What do you mean what I'm in school for? How do you define passion? Love? Determination? I don't have any of those. I definitely don't love Geography. Things change. People change. I feel myself change. Even now, as doubt plants it's seeds, I still know I'd conquer this mountain. Just like how I'd conquered everything else. Give me strength Lord, far as I am from You.
What's life?
I miss having the ability to cry at will. When I wasn't afraid to cry, when I wasn't afraid of people seeing me cry, I think it was when I feel real.
why do i feel like stabbing something to death and then, closing my eyes to endless lullaby.
I'm in a don't-piss-me-off-or-you'd-get-it kinda mood. Not that anyone's been invoking my temper lately. And I've been having fun at school; if you call messing around, fun. I've been feeling lethargic and tired. Sometimes, I feel so irritated and nonchalant that I am greatly inclined to do mean things on a whim. But I'd stop myself in time, because I really don't like to see people in distress.
I feel like BKC. Staunch in Christian values and beliefs but yet slightly swayed by others. But unlike him, I was raised with Buddhist beliefs though I always laughed at the weird expressions on the temple Gods' faces. I particularly favoured the Guan Yin; because she looked so tranquil and benevolent, yet, omniscient. Somehow, I always believed, despite all the Buddhist influences, that there is only one God and one God only. And that is because I used to attend a Christian kindergarden in my childhood. So yeah, I'm Christian now and not afraid to admit it. I haven't been going to church because of various reasons. Do I feel guilty? Duh. But yet, at the same time, something tells me perhaps it isn't the religion per se but the company, perhaps? I don't feel like I belong but perhaps, it's because I never made myself to belong. I don't force things on myself that I have absolutely no faith in doing. One of them is commitment to church. I don't know why but I'm trying to find out why. So help me Lord.
I need to lose weight. My English vocabulary sucks; buck up Cherie, buck up! You lazy bum.
Jo messaged me this morning to tell me/us that she finally got her top at Tampines Mall's Fox! Determination FTW :D Oh yes, I forgot to update about yesterday. I went out with the Gang sans Andrea and Fitri, though Louisa joined us late. Louisa went shopping for her red shades, Wendi for her bangle and ring and lazy HQ just hanged around the whole day, hahaha. I was kidding about the lazy part okay, don't flare up at me :P It was fun, though it truly felt like London the whole day to me. It was raining and raining and it wouldn't stop raining. HQ was wearing a scarf so it kinda suited the weather I suppose. It felt like high school all over again.
It did remind me how much I miss my friends. Through I'm glad Louisa and Yongxin are in the same school as I am. And I haven't seen Vicky and Siewps in ages!!!!! :((((((((
i just wish, all the time, that i can't see the person next to you
My mother and I just can't see on the same frequency. She feels that I spend a lot and that I'm ungrateful and that I don't treasure my cash. But the thing is, I haven't been spending at all recently. This feeling of frustration and exasperation, gets me so riled up all the time. And I don't know how to get the message across. Does she know that in order to save money, I've been starving myself in school during breaks, eating only my breakfast sandwich that is made by my maid at home? It isn't that I don't have the money, I'm trying to see how being trifty would work out like what she always tell me. And because I'm always forgetting to bring cash to school, I feel lousy and I hate the feeling of being penniless. I HATE IT. I HATE FEELING POOR. I don't know how anyone can know that they can't get by if they spend more than a 100$ a day and still manage to live. I don't understand why she saves saves saves and still isn't any bloody happier. I spend a lot but I'm perfectly happy, thank you. I just can't understand. I don't want to understand. I don't want to emulate Paris Hilton; I just want to live my youth away without worrries. Without bloody worrying about money. WTF. I'm not going to whine and say my parents don't give me enough allowance because they do but I still feel that I should be allowed to spend my money the way I want to. And not be controlled by my mother's sticky meddling fingers.
We analyzed BKC's Letter poems today. We are of the same mind. "You held me so tightly I couldn't breathe, couldn't grow. I was a plant that resented being potted on your sill, reviled the constant shower of affection, the unfailing attention. I didn't just want to lean into the light. I wanted to run with it, pace across the globe, reach its very source." I feel the urge to leave this place, All roads homeward peter out in the desert, like footprints emptying into the sea; tides of sand erase the tracks of our past, give rootlessness its proper place lead to beginnings where no paths exit, and short of turning us into mystics, transform emptiness from curse into gift. Through this encounter, I realised That I really hate people telling me what to do, what to eat, where to go, what to spend, when to study, aren't you tired of yabbling chunks of verbal diarrhoea to me?
And I'm fat. I need to go to the gym. Having a low body image really doesn't do wonders to my fluctuating mood swings.
Sorry.
Sometimes, I just want to get my A levels and run far far far far away from responsibilities, obligations and CNY. I'm only looking forward to going to grandma's place.
(If I had a choice on how my life will be, I want to travel with someone I love,
and take photographs of the myriad and the pretty, spreading the love of Christ,
near and far until the ends of the world!)
I ♥ God and God ♥ me!
Contrary to popular belief, I'm not unfriendly!!!!!!
Talk to me and I'd definitely talk to you.
Most people don't really get me but I usually get most people.
Economics is beyond fascinating. ;)
x
Family is ♥!
Best friends are ♥!
Colours are ♥!
The universe is ♥!
Layout: Lost Days Best viewed: Internet Explorer Resolution: 1024X768 Credits: IIIIVVVI
25 February 2008
Lead Me To The Cross - Hillsong United
Savior I come Quiet my soul, remember Redemption's hill Where Your blood was spilled For my ransom Everything I once held dear I count it all as lost
Lead me to the cross Where Your love poured out Bring me to my knees Lord I lay me down Rid me of myself I belong to You Lead me, lead me to the cross
You were as I, Tempted and tried, Human. The word became flesh Bore my sin and death Now you're risen
To your heart To your heart Lead me to your heart Lead me to your heart
"My response is to get down on my knees before the Father, this magnificent Father who parcels out all Heaven and Earth. I ask Him to strengthen You by His Spirit - not a brute strength but a glorious inner strength - that Christ will live in You as You open the foor and invite Him in. And I ask Him that with both feet planted firmly on love, You'dd be able to take in with all followers of Jesus the extravegant dimensions of Christ's Love. Reach out and experience the breadth! Test it's length! Plumb the depths! Rise to the heights! Live full lives, full in the fullness of God." - Ephesians 3:14-19
I’ve got to move on, and be who I am I just don’t belong here I hope you understand We might find our place in this world someday But at least for now I gotta go my own way
Listen. I'm going to work harder than the word determination can define. I'm not going to let anyone down. I will go to Cambridge.
O Lord GOD, thou hast begun to shew thy servant thy greatness, and thy mighty hand: for what God is there in heaven or in earth, that can do according to thy works, and according to thy might? -Deuteronomy 3.24 I ask for forgiveness and strength to bear through my weary days.
I won't go back to where I had answered Your Faith before. But it doesn't mean that I have abandoned my Faith.
I thought about it. Over and over again. Until it became so silly, until i almost lost my breath choking in laughter, until some semblance of realisation came to me. Delusions aren't always illusions. They're just that. Delusions. False truth that stabs you like a cactus thorn but saves the pain for later; just in case you make the same mistake again. I saw a flint of immortality on decidedly smooth timber across the hallway from where I stood; names running down a roll like they deserved a standing ovation. I thought again and came to the conclusion, if one day, one day, the metal head of the carving knife takes small steps to erect an era, if I would be happy, the answer was swift and overwhelming; undoubtedly.
And I wonder what I've lost in my pursuit of lifeskills. And I wonder if sometimes I'm so tired and weary that I'm willing to let go, but the small voice in my mind repeats a mantra: You can't, you can't, you can't. And I wonder if one day courage will be my saviour, if one day I'd become wise enough to predict the future, if one day it'd be painless enough to leave. And the mantra continues, only it's on a different track now: Who knows, who knows, who knows. And if I told you, you know we never really did get to talk, will you, will you remember? And if I told you, the old you, that I wasn't really thinking when I told you I love you, will you forgive me?
There's so many things to learn. And God allocated us so little time. I want to start embracing them all.
"These violent delights have violent ends And in their triumph die, like fire and powder, Which as they kiss consume." - William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, 2.3
I am seriously seriously in love with Rob Pattz. OMGSERIOUSLYZ how can someone be so funny and perfect and absolutely hilarious and hot and dreamy and so devastatingly human that it's almost impossible to believe that he's real. Just goes to show that I've never actually met someone like that in real life :P OMG ROB PATTZ. Sorry Daph, you were right. He's hot! He smiles down at me from my room wall. Obsessed much? Whatever :D
FRIDAY IS DOOM'S DAY. THERE'S GOING TO BE TWO TESTS ON THAT DAY; ECONS AND GEOG AHOY. I know I know I know I know I'm procrastinating. Gah. I need to buy an organizer and swindle my dad into buying me a Polaroid. =.=
OMG ROB PATTZ. I better not write an essay on how great Robert Pattinson is, or I'd kill myself, seriously. Geez.
edit: My sister is going to the Republic of Ireland like in 2 weeks time for another Model United Nations conference. Gah! fsdjhe87d8g^#*y Lucky little twit.
Arashi's newest PV - Step And Go step and go. to a brand new story.
towards the ever-flickering dream.
I'm in love with MatsuJun's red jacket. It has underlined tweed patterns. <3s. As usual, no one can beat Sho's rap! And that blue jacket is just the right colour for Sho!!! Overall, I love this PV loads :DDDDDD Loads of colours and slow-mo is really cool, me thinks. Nino's shawl is weird through. Hah!
I think I'm in love with Robert Pattinson. == Wait, maybe it's just the Edward fever! ==
Night lift up the shades Let in the brilliant light of morning But steady there now For I am weak and starving for mercy Sleep has left me alone To carry the weight of unravelling Where we went wrong It's all I can do to hang on To keep me from falling Into old familiar shoes
- Sarah Mclachlan
We had a War Council talk yesterday; my parents and I. Same old same old. About how I shouldn't dream too far and too high, in case I hurt myself beyond repair. What's so wrong about Singapore? They ask. Everything and more. Even if I didn't hate everyth about here and now, I don't appreciate being caught in a cage of eternity, to mooch about my boundaries only to ram myself against the walls every year or so. I don't plan to endure another four years here. It's not as if I plan to elope or something. Even if the War Council isn't willing to pay for my education overseas, I'd find a way. I always do.
Right. So I do feel kinda jaded and morose. That my own parents don't have the kind of confidence in myself that I have in me. Everything about them is pessimistic and damnright stupid. Oh, so I can't have dreams because you know they'd never come true anyway. Since when did you have psychic abilities? Damn right you know! I'm tired of the lot of you, forever shouting in my face that I'd never get anywhere but here. Damn right, you're wrong. So I never did good enough to qualify me for RGS, fine. So I never did good enough to qualify me for triple science, fine. So I never did good enough to get 6 points, never did good enough to get into ACJC, never did good enough for you, even to the very moment when I was born, even to the very Whatever. If I'm not good enough, not smart enough, not tall enough, not sweet-tempered enough to be your daughter, than I rather be anything else but.
Well, aren't you glad you don't have a brother in the Ivy League? You don't have it worse, you don't have it worse than your cousin you know? You're just someone simple, someone bound for the simple life, someone fated to be deadright simple. Someone who doesn't NEED DREAMS; SOMEONE WHO CAN LIVE LIKE THIS, THIS IS ENOUGH FOR YOU, YOU DON'T NEED ANYTHING ELSE.
Screw you, I say.
I don't need people without faith in themselves to have enough faith in me to teach me anything. I don't need you.
Everything in my Life; I made it on my own. I was the one who battered and torn made it good enough to stand on my feet; made it good enough to fight tears to keep going on; made it good enough to go whereever I fucking want.
So. I got Eclipse, the latest book in the Twilight saga, off Vic's hands this afternoon. And I'm not even halfway thru yet. And I'm dying to turn the pages again. But there's something in me that says I shouldn't, because then, I'd have to wait another antagonishing six months for the next book to come out, Breaking Dawn. I'm also afraid of what I'd find when I get further in the story. Is Bella gonna become a vampire? How is she and Jacob going to even react properly around each other when they become mortal enemies? That's what I'm really afraid to see. Well, everything going fine now, Edward and Bella are really chummy, Jacob's her best friend again and even Angela gets a cameo. But everything just toooo alright. Something's going to happen. I can feel it. -shudders-
I got to meet my second cousins today. I swear I've never seen them in anything but photos. Well, considering that we see grand aunt like once a year, it's not much of a surprise really. Oh and by the way, I've got so many grand aunts I can't remember how to address all of them. I love the grand old lady really. And I kinda miss my maternal grandmother. She passed on into God's Loving Hands when I was 16. I just wish on all those days that she had bunked over at my place that I'd bothered a little bit more to talk to her when she jabbered on to me, wished I had been a bit more understanding when she wanted to take walks, wished I hadn't felt so irritated when she turned senile, wished I could understand why I was the only one wailing at her deathbed. I didn't even know her. But I still miss her. And I know Mum does too.
Sometimes... It's just too little too late.
I didn't do much wagering this year. Argh, boring. Maybe it's because I haven't gotten round to everyone's houses yet. The adults don't really play gambles nowdays. Last yr at JH's, we played blackjack. I kept getting double aces or ace/picture cards all the time, like probably ten times each round. I'm exaggerating but you get the point. It was like I just knew I was going to win; the confidence was so overpowering. I'd bet Louisa so wanted to wipe the smug look I had on my face. But I kept winning, and I didn't know why. -shrug- The coins kept rolling to me like I owned them. It was a good feeling but I knew that it was probably a total fluke or like, my luck-o-meter was overflowing that day. Maybe this year it's time to pay overtime to someone else in our clique. :D But that was totally cool. To be on the roll.
I just wish my luck-o-meter is like overflowing ALL the time.
Right now, I'm wistfully wishing Life wasn't so boring. Give me some semblance of danger, excitement, something that would remind me of my mortality. Wait, do you want to lose your life, Cherie? Maybe I should go get a bike when I turn 18; just to see the horror on my mother's face. KIDDING. My thoughts are becoming more morbid as days pass. Geez. Seriously.
Hello boy it's been a while Guess you'll be glad to know That I've learned how to laugh and smile
CNYYYYYYYYYYYYY. Today was so unproductive. Morning; got dragged up at 9am (I slept at 2am last night -.-) to go to Grandma's place. Turns out we're like the EARLIEST, the only other relatives there was Mitch's family who lives like 3 floors down from Grandma's. I didn't even get to see Da Gu and others. LOLZ. And then, we went home to sleep. Sleep! Cause my mum works the night shift at NUH so she needs her afternoon naps, kay. I re-read New Moon, tried to surf the net a little, gave up and went to bed.
I woke up at 5pm. Went to Jia's place for my maternal side's reunion. Usually we're at fourth aunt-in-law's place but she met with an accident, so we kinda shifted location. Mel was totally like, "Lau! Why you all so late!!!" I just smiled sheepishly. Cause we were sleeping? -.- I haven't seen Vanessa in ages!!!! But I got to see her today. which was great :D Qi Xiang got so tall! OMG, little boys do grow up fast. And I still feel like a dwarf next to XJ, even through we're like the sameeeee age. The boys were stuck to the computer, watching XJ pwn at Dota, even Russell korkor. Erh, that sounds weird. Usually, I just call him Russell but Russell is so much older than me! It feels weird not to address with some form of seniority (we're cousins btw). Ross played a trick on Junnie; he took his food away. And my little brother cried!! LOLZ. But he was really eating wayyy too much.
Anyways, that's the super summarised version of today's events. And I didn't see some relatives because they're like overseas. Like Bee jie and 3rd aunt? Etc etc. I got bored sometimes, and randomly messaged people. Hahahah, thanks for entertaining me ya :D
Everyone on earth who hasn't read Stephanie Meyer's Twilight must get a copy of the book and READ IT. Cause it's pure addiction :D
Sometimes, I feel frustration. And then, I remind myself that I chose this path. I wish I have the foresight to look further. And ignore the impending fire. I'd always have the courage to plunge headfirst into the flames. I just know it. There are times I have wondered what I'm in school for. And then, shock overwhelms me. What do you mean what I'm in school for? How do you define passion? Love? Determination? I don't have any of those. I definitely don't love Geography. Things change. People change. I feel myself change. Even now, as doubt plants it's seeds, I still know I'd conquer this mountain. Just like how I'd conquered everything else. Give me strength Lord, far as I am from You.
What's life?
I miss having the ability to cry at will. When I wasn't afraid to cry, when I wasn't afraid of people seeing me cry, I think it was when I feel real.
why do i feel like stabbing something to death and then, closing my eyes to endless lullaby.
I'm in a don't-piss-me-off-or-you'd-get-it kinda mood. Not that anyone's been invoking my temper lately. And I've been having fun at school; if you call messing around, fun. I've been feeling lethargic and tired. Sometimes, I feel so irritated and nonchalant that I am greatly inclined to do mean things on a whim. But I'd stop myself in time, because I really don't like to see people in distress.
I feel like BKC. Staunch in Christian values and beliefs but yet slightly swayed by others. But unlike him, I was raised with Buddhist beliefs though I always laughed at the weird expressions on the temple Gods' faces. I particularly favoured the Guan Yin; because she looked so tranquil and benevolent, yet, omniscient. Somehow, I always believed, despite all the Buddhist influences, that there is only one God and one God only. And that is because I used to attend a Christian kindergarden in my childhood. So yeah, I'm Christian now and not afraid to admit it. I haven't been going to church because of various reasons. Do I feel guilty? Duh. But yet, at the same time, something tells me perhaps it isn't the religion per se but the company, perhaps? I don't feel like I belong but perhaps, it's because I never made myself to belong. I don't force things on myself that I have absolutely no faith in doing. One of them is commitment to church. I don't know why but I'm trying to find out why. So help me Lord.
I need to lose weight. My English vocabulary sucks; buck up Cherie, buck up! You lazy bum.
Jo messaged me this morning to tell me/us that she finally got her top at Tampines Mall's Fox! Determination FTW :D Oh yes, I forgot to update about yesterday. I went out with the Gang sans Andrea and Fitri, though Louisa joined us late. Louisa went shopping for her red shades, Wendi for her bangle and ring and lazy HQ just hanged around the whole day, hahaha. I was kidding about the lazy part okay, don't flare up at me :P It was fun, though it truly felt like London the whole day to me. It was raining and raining and it wouldn't stop raining. HQ was wearing a scarf so it kinda suited the weather I suppose. It felt like high school all over again.
It did remind me how much I miss my friends. Through I'm glad Louisa and Yongxin are in the same school as I am. And I haven't seen Vicky and Siewps in ages!!!!! :((((((((
i just wish, all the time, that i can't see the person next to you
My mother and I just can't see on the same frequency. She feels that I spend a lot and that I'm ungrateful and that I don't treasure my cash. But the thing is, I haven't been spending at all recently. This feeling of frustration and exasperation, gets me so riled up all the time. And I don't know how to get the message across. Does she know that in order to save money, I've been starving myself in school during breaks, eating only my breakfast sandwich that is made by my maid at home? It isn't that I don't have the money, I'm trying to see how being trifty would work out like what she always tell me. And because I'm always forgetting to bring cash to school, I feel lousy and I hate the feeling of being penniless. I HATE IT. I HATE FEELING POOR. I don't know how anyone can know that they can't get by if they spend more than a 100$ a day and still manage to live. I don't understand why she saves saves saves and still isn't any bloody happier. I spend a lot but I'm perfectly happy, thank you. I just can't understand. I don't want to understand. I don't want to emulate Paris Hilton; I just want to live my youth away without worrries. Without bloody worrying about money. WTF. I'm not going to whine and say my parents don't give me enough allowance because they do but I still feel that I should be allowed to spend my money the way I want to. And not be controlled by my mother's sticky meddling fingers.
We analyzed BKC's Letter poems today. We are of the same mind. "You held me so tightly I couldn't breathe, couldn't grow. I was a plant that resented being potted on your sill, reviled the constant shower of affection, the unfailing attention. I didn't just want to lean into the light. I wanted to run with it, pace across the globe, reach its very source." I feel the urge to leave this place, All roads homeward peter out in the desert, like footprints emptying into the sea; tides of sand erase the tracks of our past, give rootlessness its proper place lead to beginnings where no paths exit, and short of turning us into mystics, transform emptiness from curse into gift. Through this encounter, I realised That I really hate people telling me what to do, what to eat, where to go, what to spend, when to study, aren't you tired of yabbling chunks of verbal diarrhoea to me?
And I'm fat. I need to go to the gym. Having a low body image really doesn't do wonders to my fluctuating mood swings.
Sorry.
Sometimes, I just want to get my A levels and run far far far far away from responsibilities, obligations and CNY. I'm only looking forward to going to grandma's place.
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